


Bloodshift

by ii_liike_bee2



Series: The Bloodshift Chronicles [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: A lot of thought went into this one, Crack ships gallore, Dave is more gay than originally planned, Everyone in the felt and the midnight crew stays the same though, Except for Ms Paint and Snowman, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Grimdark, In which everyone is swapped around, Kanaya is a salty lil shit, M/M, New handles, That includes god tiers, Trickster - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-12
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-08 02:07:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8826127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ii_liike_bee2/pseuds/ii_liike_bee2
Summary: In which all the kids and trolls have been swapped around until nothing makes sense anymore.





	1. ==> Introduction

Your name is ROSE. Today, April 13th, is your BIRTHDAY. A number of CAKES are scattered about your room. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for CLOUDS AND THE WEATHER. You like to train the neighbourhood cats but you are NOT VERY GOOD AT IT. You have a fondness for PARANORMAL LORE, and are an aspiring AMATEUR MAGICIAN. You also like to play GAMES sometimes.

Now that your short introduction is over, let us move on. You fix your glasses rather awkwardly and look around your room. It’s pretty neat, if you do say so yourself. You have your bed with the cat-printed bed sheets, your desk with your computer and homework, your dressing table and your magic chest. On your dressing table is not only a large cake but also a new poster your father has kindly bought for you. You make your way over to the dressing table and examine the rolled up poster, all while trying to ignore the sickly sweet smell of the chocolate-vanilla cake sitting right next to it. On the other side of the poster is a note, written by your father. It smells like soap and shaving cream. Glorious. 

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DAUGHTER. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.”

Such a heartfelt note. You catch yourself muttering ‘I love you too’ under your breath. The power of love is infectious. You open up the poster. It’s poster of your favourite magician ever, Dynamo. You prefer wizards and such more, but damn is this poster awesome. You get some Blue-Tack from your desk and stick the poster to your bedroom door. Magnificent. You sit at your tidy desk, starting up your laptop. As expected, Pesterchum opens straight away. Ah, Pesterchum. Your favourite chat client. Such chat client has lead you to meet your three best friends, PP, IC and DC. Of course those aren’t their real names. They’re simply their chumhandles. Your own chumhandle is ectoAnalyst. It’s kind of random, but you take a liking to it. It was originally ghostyTherapist, but you had to change it because people kept spamming you. You click on the Pesterchum icon and the chat client opens up on your screen. Nobody is online, save for plainsongParadox. In fact, here they are, messaging you right now! You open up the chat window and reply to their message.

 

PP: hey so what sort of sweet loot did you rake in today

EA: i got a dynamo poster, it’s so awesome!! i’m going to watch some of his tricks on youtube later. that one with the orange juice is so funny.

PP: oh hell that is such a coincidence i just found an unopened container of oj in my closet it is like fuckin christmas up in here

EA: ok that’s a little weird. i do have a question for you, however, and a word of caution. have you ever seen a movie called little monsters starring howie mandel and fred savage?

PP: but

PP: the seal on the bottle is unbroken

PP: and they used apple j not orange juice

EA: okay yeah but all i’m saying is don’t you think monster howie mandel has the power to do something as simple and reseal a bottle?

PP: resealing a bottle isnt that easy ok rose trust me i have tried

EA: pfft.

PP: alright you know what who cares

PP: did you get the beta yet

EA: no.

EA: did you?

PP: girl I got two copies already

PP: but whatever im not gonna play it or anything the game sounds boring

PP: did you see how it got slammed in game bro????

EA: game bro is a joke and we both know it.

PP: yeah

PP: why dont you go check your mail maybe its there now

EA: alright.


	2. ==> Meddlesome Spider 8oy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's up with those glasses? What's up with that robo-arm? What's his deal!

In another universe, on another planet, a mysterious spider boy sits at his computer. You try to be the mysterious spider boy and fail. 

He’s way too mysterious for you to be him yet! Seriously, what’s up with those glasses? What’s up with that robo-arm? What’s his deal!

He guesses it’s flattering that you want to be him though. He guesses he doesn’t really mind. It’s cool.

We’ll learn all about him a little later. 

 

For now, though, he supposes you can watch what he’s doing. Not like it’s private or anything. He smirks a bit to himself, watching the screen. The boy next to him, who is very fashionable, might I add, looks at him in confusion. ‘That meddler is up to something’, he thinks. The fashionable boy is quite right. 

On the meddlesome spider boy’s screen is a timeline, showing four coloured bars labelled “EA”, “PP”, “IC” and “DC.” Those initials sound a bit familiar, don’t they?

The mysterious spider boy clicks on the blue bar, of which is labelled “EA.” A window opens up, showing a young girl’s bedroom. The young girl is rather pale, with messy short blonde hair and a blue headband keeping her hair from her face. She wears a white dress with a blue belt and a blue Squiddle printed on her chest. My, my, if it isn’t Rose Egbert? And it looks like she’s messaging one of her friends. How cute.

The fashionable boy whispers ‘don’t you dare’ to the spider boy, before returning to his own computer. What a meddler! Honestly, it’s not like the spider boy was going to do anything bad! 

……

Okay that was a lie he was going to do something bad. But, for now, he will do something less bad. The young spider boy closes the window, and opens up Trollian. He searches through the many names he has and clicks on ectoAnalyst. ‘What a pathetic handle for a pathetic human’, the spider boy thinks. 

 

RP: Hey Rose :::;)

EA: not you again

RP: Yes, it is I, back again

RP: I hope you missed me

RP: It’s 8een so long since we last spoke ::::(

EA: yes, and for very good reasons

RP: Aw, don’t 8e like that!!!!!!!!

RP: You’re so mean, Rosie

EA: don’t call me that

RP: Whatever I never asked for your opinion

EA: rude

RP: Don’t acted surprised, Eg8ert

EA: alright, what do you want??

RP: I’m 8ored.

EA: so??

EA: go pick on your other friends!!

EA: said friends who annoy the heck out of me!!

EA: how did you even get my new handle, anyways??

RP: I have my ways.

EA: spooky

RP: Yes, very much so.

EA: is there any particular reason why you wanted to talk to me?

RP: Yes, actually

RP: Have you gotten that cool new game yet????????

EA: sburb? no, not yet.

EA: how do you even know about that?

RP: Like I said, Rose, I have my ways >::::)

EA: okay then….

RP: Do 8e a dear and tell me when you get it?

RP: I want to hear aaaaaaaall a8out it ::::)

EA: sure

RP: Aw, I have to go now

RP: I can assure you, though, we’ll talk l8r

RP: Good8ye, Rose <3

And with that, the spider boy closed the chat. The delicate girl next to him peered over his shoulder. ‘You’re still talking to the Rose human?’ The spider boy nodded. He’d been chatting with the Rose human for a while. He enjoyed it very much, but he would never tell anyone. The fashionable boy and the delicate girl turned back to their computers, ignoring the spider boy as he continued his meddlesome antics.


	3. ==> Cool girls and nerd boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet 1½ of Rose's friends

There's this really cool girl, ok? She's standing around being all chill, like cool girls are known to do sometimes. A cool girl like this probably has a real cool name. But she probably wouldn't just tell you what it was if you asked. She'd be way too busy for that. Busy being totally sweet. 

But you could always try to guess her name. And if you were right, she might nod ever so slightly. That's a cool girl's way of letting you know there might just be hope for you yet.

 

Your name is JADE. It is an UNSEASONABLY WARM April day. Your BEDROOM WINDOW is open to let some air in, and your FAN is cranked. Arguably even more cranked would be your FLY BEATS, which brings us to your variety of INTERESTS. A cool girl like you is sure to have plenty. You have a penchant for spinning out UNBELIEVABLY ILL JAMS with your TURNTABLES AND MIXING GEAR. You like to rave about BANDS NO ONE'S EVER HEARD OF BUT YOU. You collect WEIRD DEAD THINGS PRESERVED IN VARIOUS WAYS. You are an AMATEUR PHOTOGRAPHER and operate your own MAKESHIFT DARKROOM. You maintain a number of IRONICALLY HUMOROUS BLOGS, WEBSITES, AND SOCIAL NETWORKING PROFILES. And if the inspiration strikes, you won't hesitate to drop some PHAT RHYMES on a mofo and REPRESENT. 

You are currently waiting for your NASAYBFF (not-as-cool-as-you-best-friend-forever) to hurry up and check her mailbox. It’s been three minutes. Heck, it feels like an hour. Honestly, it’s not like Rose would be talking to someone else, right? The only other person online is IC, but interacting with him is lame is irritating for you. I mean, from what you’ve heard he’s a pretty hot guy. But that’s beside the point. You’re just too cool for him. Bored of waiting, you message Rose again.

PP: is it there

PP: plz say yes

PP: maybe you can play with IC hes been pestering me all day about it

PP: hes mackin on me so hard all the time i start to feel embarrassed for him

PP: i mean not that i can blame him or anything

EA: yes, it is understandable because you are really attractive. i am attracted to you.

PP: thats gay

PP: but thank you

EA: jk haha.

EA: no, i don’t have it yet.

EA: my dad has the mail and i guess i have to go get it from him and see if it’s there.

EA: and i’ve been busy spending all afternoon shitting around with my stupid sylladex.

EA: it’s so frustrating.

PP: whats your modus

EA: what?

PP: how to you retrieve artefacts from it

EA: oh. like one at a time i guess. and if i put too much in, something falls out.

PP: stack?? hahahahahaha

EA: what is yours?

PP: hash map

PP: my bro taught me a few tricks he basically knows everything and is awesome

EA: what the hell is that?

PP: you should probably brush up on your data structures

EA: i guess.

PP: did you at least allocate your strife specibus

EA: no.

PP: it could free up a card for you

PP: plus let you attack stuff whenever things get too hot to handle

PP: which is never

PP: what have you got

EA: well, i’ve got a hammer but it’s trapper under some ribbons.

PP: wow you really suck at this dont you

PP: just get rid of the ribbons and then allocate the hammer to the specibus

EA: how?

PP: i dont know just use the ribbons on any old thing and see if it works

Rose doesn’t reply. Of course. Hopefully she’s taking your totally rad advice in, and using it. Otherwise it would be a waste of your time. Hey, this advice doesn’t come for free. You could have been spitting some totally sick fires, bro.

 

You are now Rose Egbert again, and you somehow have updated your strife specibus. You have no idea what it does, but according to Jade, your permanent weapon is now a hammer. Glorious. Your computer makes a little noise, meaning that someone on Pesterchum is pestering you yet again. You sit at your computer and see who it is. Why if it isn’t your good ol’ pal, impertinentChevalier! How could such a gentleman be messaging you at this time? You suppose you should see what he wants.

IC: I understand you have recently come into possession of the beta release of “The Game of the Year”, as featured in respectable periodicals such as GameBro Magazine.

EA: that’s an ugly rumor.

EA: whoever told you that is a filthy liar.

EA: and you should probably stop hitting on her all the time or whatever.

IC: I can’t control myself.

IC: I must have a weakness for insufferable pricks.

EA: anyway i still haven’t checked the mail, my dad has it.

EA: i’m trying to go get it from him, so brb

IC: Rose.

EA: what?

IC: You’re wearing one of your disguises now, aren’t you?

IC: You are typing to me right now while wearing something ridiculous

EA: no, why would you even think that??

EA: that’s so stupid.

IC: Rose.

EA: yes?

IC: Rose.

IC: Do not say things like that to me you know how much I hate being incorrect

EA: oh, right, sorry

IC: I forgive you, Rose.

IC: Why don’t you go get the game from your father?

EA: alright, wish me luck.

EA: oh, btw...

EA: jk i was wearing a funny disguise this whole time! hehehe

IC: I know, Rose.

 

Your name is Rose Lalonde and you are currently wearing a fake nose, glasses and a party hat. A wonderful and winning disguise. You kind of feel a little bad for upsetting your friend. He’s quite the bookworm, you have gathered. There’s nothing he doesn’t know about! Which is really cool, you guess. He’s also extremely lucky, he tells you, so you know that talking to him will give you enough strength to get those game copies! You hope, at least...


	4. ==> Oh boy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet Rose and Jade's know-it-all friend, Dave

Your name is Rose Egbert and you have successfully retrieved the game files from your father. A nice man, really, but he can be really irritating sometimes. He was still in the kitchen, baking more cakes for you. ‘I have enough,’ you told him, ‘you don’t have to bake any more’. He kept baking, of course, telling you that his daughter deserved only the best on her birthday. You got that warm feeling in your heart and decided to ignore the fact that you might have been allergic to the icing and the brand was Betty Crocker. You run back upstairs with the game files and connect yourself with IC. After a while of IC stalling around trying to get the controls right, the game finally gets working. Turns out, IC can now see you and your bedroom. Fascinating. IC’s internet cut out, as it seems, for he nearly dropped your bed on you. You tried messaging him, and he hasn’t responded.

 

Oh boy.

 

 

 

A young man stands in his bedroom. Due to a violent storm, his house has just lost power, along with his wireless internet connection. This has severed his link to a popular video game he was playing with a young woman at a critical moment. That young woman is relying on this young man to re-establish a connection somehow. This young man named...

 

Named...

 

It's on the tip of your tongue. What was the name of this young man again?

 

Flighty Broad, you say? No, that isn’t it.

 

Your name is DAVE LALONDE.

 

Your name is DAVE. As was previously mentioned you are without ELECTRICITY, although your LAPTOP COMPUTER still functions on BATTERY POWER. You are normally EXTREMELY LUCKY, and this power shortage is starting to give you a PANIC ATTACK. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for RATHER OBSCURE LITERATURE. You enjoy creative writing and are SOMEWHAT SECRETIVE ABOUT IT. You have a fondness for the BESTIALLY STRANGE AND FICTITIOUS, and sometimes dabble in PSYCHOANALYSIS. And on occasion, if just the right one strikes your fancy, you like to play VIDEO GAMES with your friends.

 

To calm down, you decide to pick up your violin and give it a little play. Ah, such beautiful music can really calm you down.

 

Moving on, you decide to forget about your bad luck for the time being and seek a better internet connection so you can check on Rose. Rose is such a precious girl and you cannot risk losing her. Not at all. Jade would get very mad if something bad happened to the oblivious girl.

 

But you _know_ that nothing bad will happen to Rose. You know everything, really. And if you don’t know something? You may or may not get a visit from your good old friend named ANXIETY.

 

Look at yourself, Dave, you are getting side-tracked. You pick up your laptop, favourite hand-knit scarf, knitting needles (for self-defence, if necessary) and game files and put them all in your sylladex. Exiting your lovely bedroom, you make your way down the hall. You must be quiet, however. You could summon your father at any time. You love your father dearly, but he does get a little tipsy very often.

You sneak down the hallway, stopping in front of the staircase to your father’s laboratory. Just as you set about opening the door, you feel a hand on your shoulder. You can smell the strong scent of alcohol and manly perfume.

 

Oh boy.


End file.
